Talent

When you try your best but you don't succeed...
(Coldplay comes to mind)

At first when you don't succeed, try, try again.

Fall down seven times, stand up eight.

When does it end? When does one know that you've tried enough, and accept the situation?

I knew that talent will only get one so far, but with sufficient hardwork, anything can be achieved. Really though?

I reckon the only talent I do have, is in disappointing people whom I care for and cares for me. Family, friends, I can hardly recall moments that made them proud to be associated with me. But I can pinpoint numerous occasions where I've been a disappointment.

Everything in the world is temporary anyway.. I'm just grateful and blessed for the opportunities though I did not manage to make the best of it.

Thank you and I'm sorry.

Why do we shout?

A good friend and colleague of mine shared a story via e-mail, which is almost like this story below. (The difference was that in his story, it was a 'guru' rather than a 'saint'). I don't know where the story originated, but it's nice anyway.

A saint asked his disciples, ‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’
‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?’ asked the saint. ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.
Finally he explained, ‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’

Then the saint asked, ‘What happens when two people are in love with each other? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

The saint continued, ‘When they love each other even more, what happens?
They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.


---

My first thought about why I shout when I'm angry, was because I felt like the other didn't listen. And I guess when you associate the scenario of someone not hearing you, you shout louder in hopes they will listen.

I think it applies the same for online chatting. You start using CAPS LOCK because you feel the other person is not reading what you're typing.

Avoiding Responsibility

Random: funny so far the last three posts including today occurs on a day I filled up my car with petrol. I wonder if the sound of petrol entering my car fuel tank and the quiet sound of money going with it prompts me to write.

Responsibility. What a BIG word! Literally. So much can be said about this. But I'm not really a big fan of looong winding po'sts, so I'm just gonna write about how I am afraid to take on responsibility in a type of situation.

Referrals.

When I refer someone to something, I always worry about how the people involved feel. Like today I got two friends to sail with Jeff, and I can't help wondering if they're happy with today's sailing, and if Jeff's happy having the two on board.

If I refer some people, to a massage centre that I like, they may not like it! And if that happens, I'd feel responsible for them being unhappy.

Referring someone to the office?

Referring a friend to another friend?

These situations do exist, though with my tendency to worry, I'm often pessimistic with the outcome.

As time goes by, I'm trying to care less about things. I wonder how that may affect my responsible taking. But hey, like dad once said, there will be times when things don't go according to plan. Tough. Move on. :)

Let's be optimistic!

What the heck am I doing?

I remember giving up a bunch of stuff. On the basis that I lack time, now that I've started working.

And here I am, trying out and being committed to new stuff. Well, and some old stuff too.

Like this week,

Monday - Squash
Tuesday - Chess
Wednesday - Squash
Thursday - Chess (which I kinda skipped today)
Friday - Chess
Saturday - Hockey & Hen Party
Sunday - Sailing

Then there's still next week
Monday - Chess

And I'm too tired now to think beyond that. :P

Then again, I realised today, that some of the activities I've given up upon, lacked one important factor: friends

Is it peer pressure? I don't think so. I do admit I do enjoy these activities. And often I'm envious of some people in my department who seem to be doing twice the stuff I'm doing. Some with families too! How does one juggle the time? How much sleep do they get? o.O

Maybe if I had a cat! I'd be compelled to go home earlier :D

Still, I'm questioning myself: Lots of people say my health issues is due to stress. Are all these activities relief the stress, or add to it?

The "Danger" of Assumptions

Lately you may see me often asking many questions in a conversation. It may seem like dumb questions or rhetorical questions. I like to clarify better now. Because I've been experiencing all sorts of things go wrong because of assumptions. They may be small incidents, but still, it's no fun!

Once was the assumption that I was in P16 instead of Surian. Rudy was waiting for me in P16 lobby, while I was waiting at Surian lobby. I assumed he knew I was in Surian, while he assumed the other. Luckily we didn't miss our movie.

I had more examples, but I forgot them right now. tbc



see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Mah point~ don't assume!

Random Thoughts

There's always something in my mind. At times, I'd think of something and tell myself, I should blog about it. Then at the time I come on the computer, I totally forget what it was.

People make me wonder a lot. Especially on why they do things. How they view the world. I believe in empathizing with other people to understand them. Yet there are times I still can't.

In some ways, everyone needs help. For any kind of reason. Some people can easily receive help, while others are more resistant. Eventually I think it all comes down to them, whether they want to help themselves.

Like sometimes, I get upset. And I stay upset. And during that time, sometimes no matter what anyone does to cheer me up, I reject that effort. Many times I'm being stubborn or more demanding, feeling that the effort is not enough. It has happened before. But perhaps, I did not want to let myself be cheered.

So when it comes to self improvement, it's eventually up to the person itself if he or she really wants to. Though still, outside factors and motivations still play a big role.

I don't really know what I'm going on about here right now. Can I believe, that on top of all the outside factors and our surroundings during our upbringing, the moment where we can start thinking for ourselves, we are responsible for our own living, and how we choose to live life?

I think, that's the thing that makes me wonder...

Personal Time

I was out for buka puasa with my friend/colleague, April. We always have lots to chat about, no matter when. Hahaha, if it's not about work, it's about something crazy or funny like lolcat and FML. There was this one topic we talked about: Personal Time.

To me, Personal Time is pretty much my private time. For me, myself and I. It would be the time I spend doing whatever I feel like, even if I feel like doing nothing, in my own personal and private space. My room. Of course it can extend to other parts of the house, but you get what I mean (I hope :P). But, when? While I'm still waiting for the opportunity to have personal time for a full 24 hrs, mostly it's at night after the daily rituals. Work, dinner, training, etc.

But do what? Sometimes with that personal time, people don't know what to do. Nothing good on tv, no books to read, etc. I'm rather thankful that I'd always have something to do. Besides my tendency to play games, I've started reading books again, thanks to the discount I've received from BNM's Knowledge Fair. I'd list down the books I bought, but Adik borrowed one, and I can't remember the title name (it's a long title! :P). So I'll list it later.

Of course, there's the physical and mental factor. Sometimes we're just too tired to do anything in our spare time. For some reason, I tend to feel that way every night. That really limits my socialising time. I guess that's what working life is all about. (*sob sob* haha)

I'm certainly looking forward to my personal time always. Not that I'm pushing everyone away! I still need to try harder to strike a balance with everything.

Meaning of Doing what You're Doing

This sorta stems out from having a goal. Now, when given a task, I try to find the meaning of what I do. Sometimes things seem so.. basic, and we feel like doing something 'more meaningful'. But is the other something really more meaningful, or is it just us failing to see the reason and meaning behind doing something basic.

If only I step back and give it a thought. What is this basic thing I'm doing, and what is it for? Is it something I can improve on, does it require more technical skills? Sometimes, I actually wish I did programming :P I know it's not too late to learn. And I'd hate to say this, but there is a need to have more hours in a day xP

I don't like saying 'no time' as an excuse, yet I do that all the time. Thus I have this urge to manage my time well, so that I have ample personal time to make me happy with how I'm living. Sadly, I have very very limited time for family and friends. Hmm, maybe it's my diet. If I maintain a healthier balance of diet, perhaps I won't feel exhausted too easily and be able to stretch the day longer. Maybe!

Effective Communication

comes by talking!

But not talking alone. Trust, sincerity and openness helps build effective communication. Oh, and also respect.

Without respect, it's hard to be able to listen to the other speaking.
Without trust, it's hard to believe what the other is saying.
Without sincerity, it's hard to bring the message to the other.
Without openess, it's hard to accept what the other is conveying.

But having full open discussion ain't simple. For myself, I have to gather the courage to speak out, and hear what others have to say about myself, be it nasty or nice.

But to be able to do so in the end.. feels like an achievement for me =)

Result of Two Homes

One week prior to the wedding, up to yesterday, I was staying in Rudy's old room in P16. Now that things are more calmer, I opted to stay in Surian yesterday. So, tonight we had tickets to watch Red Cliff 2 at 9.10 pm. Since Rudy lives nearby, and it being a late movie, I wanted to hitch a ride with him, as I rather not drive alone at night. At about 7.30 pm we talked on the phone to reconfirm our plans, and he told me that they're planning to leave the house at 8 pm. So at about 8 pm, I got ready, and was pretty much ready to go at 5 minutes past 8.

Events:
8.13 pm (approx)
Fai nee-chan called to say that they're arriving soon. So I went downstairs to wait.

7 minutes later
Still no sign of them, I wandered back an forth around the lobby.

8.20 pm
Rudy called.
Rudy: Where are you?
Me: Where am I? Where are you?
Rudy: Downstairs lah.
Me: I'm also downstairs, near Block B. (at that time I wandered towards Block B, while in Surian I stay in Block C, but Block B in P16)
Rudy: Why aren't you near the benches?
Me: What benches? (There aren't any in Surian)

It didn't occur to me right away, but they just realised that they were picking me up in P16 while I was at Surian...

Lesson learnt, we're not gonna assume things anymore xD

My Head Hurts...

Most people around me knows how often I get headaches, and not migraines, but tension headaches T.T

Anyway, I always wondered what causes mine. It mainly attributes to stress, but sometimes even when I'm not *too* stressed, I get them. Well, usually when I wake up or so. With the doctor's advice, I try to relax more and exercise (which I'm failing the exercise bit atm), and dad tells me not to worry so much all the time. (ilu dad ^^) Doctor also tells me to watch my posture, sleep on a firm pillow and all that. I love my pillow. (Even if it's hard for some people).

From thinking that my posture might be the root of the problem, I adjusted my desk chair to make sure it's on a better level relative to my computer. But the headaches persist. Then it was only recently I realised that my sleeping posture does not seem right. While I have nice pillows and all that, with one that is shaped like those contour pillow things, I noticed that I tend to curl up sideways in my sleep. So that was keeping my head facing downwards, rather than facing sideways.

So yeah.. uhh... o.o *is trying not to curl up when sleeping now*

Ps. winter please go away and let spring come!

Frustrations :P - Continued

Realization - one of the possible reasons we easily get those little frustrations:

'PMS'

On another note, I wanna take part in some sail training this summer o_o Can I stay in Australia a bit longer?

Sometimes

I don't know what I want anymore, I don't know why I do things, I don't know what I'm getting at.

It's so hard to be conflicting within oneself. It's so hard to wish for things that seems like it would never come true.

It's life.

I remember asking out once, whether I am worth it or not.

At this moment, I realize, no. I only wish to feel that way, but it can't change the fact. I'm just not, and I just waste ppl's time. Or get used.

Pls don't contact me.

Contradiction

Basically I kinda rant a bit in my last post. I was kinda feeling it again this morning...

Then as usual, it haunted me onto the day, causing me to be unfocused again...

Well, it struck me, that my ideas and feelings contradicts each other. It's like, I say something different, but I want something different. Or just wish it.

I still hold onto a lot on hope, and dreams, yet I tell myself not to.

I prefer to give, but I dream to receive.

Sometimes I tell people no, but deep inside my heart, I say yes.

Wonderwall~
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
~Oasis

I'm starting to love their songs

Now I Remember...

Why I did not take up computer science.. hahahaha

Despite me liking to sit in front of the computer the whole day, my general knowledge on computer technology is still small.

Then I remembered in my first semester back in UiTM, we had to do a course on Visual Basic 6.0 Programming... and I remember my first reaction too... "Eek! I hate programming (and accounting)!"

Back then, my perspective of doing programming is like a lot of memorizing (maybe it's due to the bad experience I had in school with my IT lecturer that made me drop the subject, and the fact that a lot of my schoolmates did badly in that subject).

Yet, I did relatively well in that course. Plus, I enjoyed it too, hahahaha. A lot of logical thinking involved, and it's pretty fun. Although I used kinda a bunch of shortcuts to make my program work, that is not probable in actual situations. (Using damn many IF statements xD)

Entering UNSW, I totally forget whatever I did back then in Visual Basic (how I wished I remember, since we use it a lot in Excel :K). And my liking to sit in front of the computer continues to grow, as my knowledge on computers in general. Heh, I spend much of my free time at the computer, and I'm not complaining, I'm happy =) Just that it's not good for me.. hahahaha

Anyhow, now I'm taking programming again this semester, and still, it's my favourite course that I'm doing right now. So far, I've been doing quite well (but not relatively, since everyone is doing well too). And right now we're at our final assignment for the programming, and I'm stumped trying to figure out the last part... RAWRRR... This is when I recall why I avoided programming.. hahaha, because there's just so much detail involved... but hey.. doesn't mean I won't do it at all =) It's still fun, still my favourite course. But I wouldn't want to stare at the computer figuring my head off as a career... or maybe...

Now, why the heck won't my data steps work? xD

It happens.

Shit happens. (Bad things)

Love happens. (Good things)

That's like, the opposite ends of the things in life. Ahaha. Sometimes, things happen, that you have no control of. Sometimes you do.

Regardless, it's always a series of change, that we change and grow. Whether we grow to become who we are, or become someone that we're not. Frankly I don't know how one defines itself. What is one's identity.

Over the course of life, and up to now, I've seen a lot of change. In other people and also myself. Looking back, I realize that there's so much things in life, that I thought wouldn't have impact me in anyway and that I'd still be myself, did have an impact on me afterall.

And then I wonder, if me changing, is me becoming someone I'm not, or am I just growing?
Who am I?

Hope

It's so easy to hope; and so easy to get disappointed... So at most of the time, I try not to hope at all... Yet sometimes, you can't help hoping for something good to happen, hope for people to do what they say they will do, to be what they said they will be... Or am I just expecting too much out of others...?

Yet at the same time, there are people who hope that I do well in my studies... People hoping I'd put all my effort in climbing up the career ladder... For me to be what they want me to be...

Thus in all the circle of hope and expectations, I tend to feel like I've lost my own sense of being my own person. While by doing as I am hoped to do gives me some sort of direction in life, I also feel like I don't have the power to decide on my own without having to consult 'the expectors' first.

Meh. Why do I even try hoping from people? I'm just liable to be disappointed again.. and again.. and again.

^btw, this is not directed to anyone; i'm just 'withdrawing' myself so i can cope better...

thinking about it again, now i realize why i just love surprises...

Beach, Fever and Cheap Men

Weekend came, and it was such a sunny weekend, despite being still in winter. In a very spontaneous decision, we headed out to the beach o_o

It was still great, nevertheless ^^ Tried out the Deep Fried Mars Bar for the first time (yummy!). Thanks for taking the photos, Wei Hon =D

The next day, I got a fever. Rofl xD It was quite hot on that day, ok :P
Slept most of the day except the morning, when I did my chores. So up to now, the only 'illness' I have left is my slightly sore throat, occasional headaches, and the stupid inflamed right ear :@ that caused me to take antibiotics...

And about cheap men, I just came by this article when reading the online newspaper talking about cheap men. There're extreme opposites, which I do agree is a bit bad, but the article made me think a bit. I like that bit about the gent's advice.

Love is earned, not bought. And no clear distinction can be made, but there are many priceless things that can mean so much, while costing not much at all.

Inspirational

As I said in my previous blog post, I consulted my lecturer, regarding the material he covered that day, which is basically the ANOVA table. I'm somewhat familiar with that table, having done it before, but I remember that it wasn't a course I fancied, back in UiTM.

Anyway, during the 30-minute consultation, he also gave me an e-mail contact to final year student from Malaysia, doing Actuarial Studies here, who also 'transferred' from home, i.e. straight into second year. Now that I have "thicker skin", I went ahead and e-mail her, looking for guidance and tips on how to succeed better in this course.

I am totally grateful for it. Her reply to me was very warm and understanding. The details she mentioned in the e-mail, almost exactly reflected to the situation I'm dealing with right now. For once, I felt like finally someone is empathetic to my feelings and stress. Then, I extracted the main points of her advice and posted it on my wall.

• Interest + passion
• Determination, positive thinking and never give up
• Ask, consult and share
• Never compare

The last point especially, struck me, and I see how true that is. Not only am I an international student, I'm straightaway into my penultimate year, and I'm all on my own. No parents here to prepare my meals, watch my health, do my laundry, etc. added to the changes in environment and lifestyle, which is quite different from home. Just like one picture I remember seeing in a gadget shop at eastgardens: "Your mum doesn't work here, so clean up!"

Work won't get any easier, stress levels are still at its peak, but at least, I'm not alone anymore...